Let’s start with a quick summary before I explain the whole horse thing…
So take your favorite George Romero zombie movie, replace the zombies with vampires, toss in a hint of the Terminator, even a bit of LOST and a touch of Zombieland and you’ve got Stake Land.
More or less, we’ve seen this before right?
Eric van der Woodsen’s parents are murdered by Vampires, he’s saved by a dude named Mister and now they’re traveling north, stopping at random places, killing a few undead along the way and hoping that they reach a place called
Canadia New Eden before they die.
Along their journey they encounter a bunch of random shit: Some insane Christian cult, a raped nun, a dude left in a portopotty as vamp bait, a pregnant Danielle Harris, a crossbow wielding cutie and, of course, vampires.
And, really, I don’t know what else to say… which segues into the horse problem. Put simply, it feels like the movie didn’t pick a horse. Ya, I get it, these 2 dude’s are traveling across the country and don’t stay anywhere long – but the flick didn’t really lay a strong enough plot root. Fuck the physical location: what am I rooting for here? Am I watching Martin grow into “a man”, am I trying to find out why Mister is such a tough guy? Am I supposed to care about this New Eden place they barely mention? or about the nun? Or Danielle Harris’ baby? Or the crazy Christian Cult that occupies 30 minutes of film time? Or the town they stop at for a few minutes? It’s kind of all over the place…
what are you here for? Tell me!
What do you want me to give a shit about? The film never really answered that question… well, maybe in a 1/2 assed way at the end but that wasn’t really satisfying.
Maybe they should have made it a 6 episode TV series (like the Walking Dead?)… I dunno. That’s kind of why it reminded me of LOST a little bit. Too many things happened to squash it into < 2 hours. Some of the characters & places just weren't "fulfilled". They'd show up on screen for a few minutes then go away.
Otherwise, its an alright movie. There’s nothing shitty about it. There’s a touch of campiness in the kill scenes, good acting, grin atmosphere… all around decent. Could have used a touch of “fun” tho.
Anyways… that’s that. A movie with pretty solid potential: does’t blow it, but doesn’t hit it out of the park either.
And, really, they should have picked a fucking horse…